In sixteen days, 2014 will be a closed chapter. History.
I’ll be able to turn the page to a new year, and although it’s really just a
day on the calendar, it does bring me hope and refreshment. It wasn’t until the
past 365 days that I realized just how much a year could bring. And I’m done
with 2014.
On the wall beside my desk at home, I have a piece of paper
that hasn’t moved since January. It’s separated into two columns. On the left:
my needs. On the right: God’s provision. It’s very black-and-white with no grey
areas. When I wrote the left column, I was alone, six months pregnant, with no
home, no money, no idea how to be a mother, very little desire to even be a
mother, and faith the size of a mustard seed.
To be fair, I didn’t wake up in that situation. I made
decisions I shouldn’t have, chose people I shouldn’t have, ignored others I
shouldn’t have, and befriended my worst enemy.
I drew that line down the paper, waiting, hoping and praying
for God to move. It’s December 15th, and every blank space on the
right is filled in. I found a small apartment for me and my daughter, furniture
was given to or purchased for me, baby clothes and items overflowed my tiny
living room, I was accepted back into school, my daughter was born with no
complications, and I survived and succeeded this semester juggling work, school
and a baby. There is so much to rejoice over.
This year I’ve also walked through some of the lowest
valleys imaginable. Being pregnant alone is utterly miserable. Staying up
nights alone, tending to every cry, every dirty diaper, every need to be held,
every doctor appointment, every major decision, every fall, every spill, every
midnight bottle, providing for her, alone, is beyond exhausting, physically and
emotionally.
I’ve definitely cried in anger at the “unfairness” of it
all. But I clung onto, and repeated incessantly one promise the Lord gave me
early this year, in the midst of one of those “why is this happening” prayers
with hot tears and lots of doubt:
“One day, this pain will be a DROP in the OCEAN of your
joy.”
Can we all just take a minute and picture a literal drop of
water in an ocean… it’s such a gentle, yet shocking response, when you feel
like the hurt is swallowing you whole. It’s been my life raft when I’m tempted
to write my situation off as hopeless. God promised. Don’t give up. He
promised.
Everything is still so difficult, but I made it. One baby
and successful year of school later, I made it! In 2015, I’m ready to celebrate
baby girl turning 1, my graduation, and new beginnings.
He is so faithful.
